The Last Days of ‘The Beast’

This year (2014) I’ve decided to sell my trusty Honda Accord Coupe. I’ve had this car since December 2008 and it’s served us very well. A year in Ireland, a year in Slovakia and a summer trip to Slovakia were all handled without complaint or difficulty.

However the last year has been very unlucky for ‘The Beast’. The front bumper was bashed in my work car park, someone keyed the side at Tesco, and this winter some sort of wild animal has left a trail of claw marks from bonnet to tailgate. Which means that the entire car now needs a respray to look really good again.

I’ve been mulling over seling the car for a couple of years now as insurance prices keep rising and I only use it three times a week for the 6 mile trip to work and back. So this year I’m going to let it go.

Because I listed it on ebay on April the 1st I thought it would be fun to liven up the description a bit:

For sale: Possessed Honda Accord Coupe

At first sight this appears to be a standard Honda Accord Coupe. Don’t be fooled, this is in fact an icon of pure evil in the form of a car.

On the outside the black paint is weathered, chipped, and wounded like the hide of some ferocious beast. Claw marks across the bonnet, roof, and tail, attest to the fearsome assailants that this car has destroyed. A dent in the the rear offside quarter can only be attributed to a direct meteor strike – and it didn’t even break the paint. A long scratch on the nearside must be a sword wound where brave knights have attempted to slay this evil monstrosity. Various scuffs on the bumpers mark the demise of unwary pedestrians. The beast crouches on lowered suspension, ready to launch into action, one misty eye glaring at the night. Sleek polished flanks speak of the style of days past when cars were real cars and men were real men.

Inside dark grey leather reigns supreme, worn smooth by the passage of years and rears, seductive luxury vies with nineties technology to lull you into a a warm* feeling of comfort and nostalgia. Smooth rounded buttons tease your fingertips into pressing them softly. Slender indicator stalks beg to be teased into action, responding to the slightest touch. Don’t be fooled by the comfort! Once you turn the key and take hold of the steering wheel your will is no longer your own. You will speed down darkened highways, marvelling at the smooth delivery of power, heedless of the authorities you press the accelerator hard and are rewarded with a growl of hunger from the three liter V6 engine. You do not drive this car, this car drives you!

Has been regularly serviced, when mechanics have been brave enough to approach it. The ones who survived did manage to provide receipts. Has four Michelin Pilot Sport tyres, three of which have stood the test of time with a reasonable amount of tread left on them and one which is merely lightly worn. All original documentation (written in blood) but only one key (rather worn but new cases are available for £3-4 right here on ebay).

Others have considered buying this car but all have failed the test:

  • ‘I tried to buy The Beast but I was too scared to test drive it so I became an actor’. – Jason Statham, actor
  • ‘I soiled myself just looking at a picture of it’ – Marilytn Manson, namby pamby musician
  • ‘Wuh?’ – Paris Hilton, bimbo

Additional Features

  • Owning this car is guaranteed** to increase your sex appeal, the size of your equipment, and the attractiveness of your partners
  • Runs great on Super Unleaded although at a pinch the blood of a virgin may be utilised***
  • A K&N filter is fitted which will last for what seems like an eternity
  • New timing belt and tensioner fitted at approximately 78000 miles
  • Lowered using Eibach springs and Tein adjustable shocks, can be set much firmer for a sporty ride
  • Alloy wheels with ‘pentacle’ spokes. A spare but leaking alloy wheel is available provided you can pick it up from Southend
  • Haynes manual

Recently washed with holy water**** so may be viewed without a priest in attendance*****

*The air con could do with regassing but it’s okay at the moment
**Not really
***Performance not guaranteed when running on blood, are you sure it was virgin?
****That’s what they told me at the car wash and why would I doubt them
*****Probably******
******Who knows?

No virgins were harmed in the making of this ad

One thought on “The Last Days of ‘The Beast’”

  1. Very, very funny, even Ray laughed! You have a real writing talent. Why is it so difficult to part with our cars?

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